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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30137811">Surviving. Living. Being.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisJP/pseuds/ChrisJP'>ChrisJP</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Biphobia, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant, Closeted Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Angst, Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Heavy Angst, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Other, Suicidal Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:54:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>630</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30137811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisJP/pseuds/ChrisJP</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean learned his lesson early on:</p><p>“If you want to survive, keep it down. Whatever you do, whatever you are, just make sure nobody has to see it. If nobody knows, you’ll be safe. If nobody sees, you’ll be fine.”</p><p>And so he lived. Even if he wasn’t honest or free or happy, at least he could be fine. At least he survived.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Lee Webb/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Surviving. Living. Being.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean Winchester knew he was bisexual. He also knew how (and more importantly, <em>why</em>) to hide it.</p><p> </p><p>He never had a problem admitting it <em>to himself. </em>He just thought people were hot, and found it stupid to separate hotness from gender.</p><p>But he discovered pretty early on that other people wouldn't think that way. So he learned how to make sure he'd safe and fine, even if he wasn’t honest or free or happy. At least he could be fine.</p><p>So he learned to survive. </p><p>He discovered that other people would treat him differently for who he was. They would call him slurs, treat him like shit, and ostracize him, if he ever dared to be out and proud with another boy.</p><p>So he learned to keep it down. <em>Keep it to yourself, kid. Make sure nobody knows and you’ll be safe. Make sure nobody sees you and you’ll be fine.</em> He learned how to survive.</p><p>And so he lived.</p><p>It was never an issue <em>for him</em>, but he learned shame pretty early on. When his high-school mates whispered things behind his back. When they called him slurs to his face and teachers did nothing but laugh and shrug it off. When his father caught him making out with Lee Webb as a teenager. When he refused to look Dean in the eye for over a month.</p><p>And when John sent him on his first hunt alone, <em>then</em> Dean learned his lesson for good:</p><p>
  <b>“If you want to survive, keep it down. Whatever you do, whatever you <em>are</em>, just make sure nobody has to see it. If nobody knows, you’ll be safe. If nobody sees, you’ll be fine.”</b>
</p><p>Plus, being bi he could always just date girls regularly, fuck a guy every 5 years or so (quietly, in the dark, while drunk on a solo hunt, in purgatory, where nobody would know) and he’d be fine.<em> Make sure nobody sees you and you’ll be fine.</em></p><p>And so he lived.</p><p>And he was <em>fine</em>, for a few years…</p><p> </p><p>But then Castiel came along. All blue eyes, three-day stubble, supra human strength, and no sense of personal space.</p><p>And raw sexual attraction that could have been solved in a couple of nights turned into an alliance, which with time, became friendship. And friendship was dangerous. Because friendship meant Cas was constantly around Sam and the rest of Dean’s found family, so he couldn’t fuck the angel quietly anymore.</p><p>
  <em>Make sure nobody knows and you’ll be safe.</em>
</p><p>Besides, he was happy being Cas’ friend anyway. Little dude was fun, sexy strength and beautiful blue eyes aside, he was fun and a good friend. So Dean kept his horniness at bay.</p><p>And so he lived. Quietly, in silence, in shame.</p><p> </p><p>In love.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, friendship turned into feelings. And Dean hadn’t allowed himself to have <em>feelings</em> for another man for over a decade now. Not since his father…</p><p><em>Make sure nobody knows,</em> he’d repeat to himself.<em> Make sure </em>Cas<em> doesn’t know, and you’ll be safe.</em></p><p>And so he lived.</p><p>Feeling the love he felt ("<em>except it’s cloaked in shame"</em>), being grateful for and soaking in every second he had with Cas. He lived making sure Cas wouldn’t know. Making sure he was <em>fine.</em></p><p>Even if meant not being happy, at least he was <em>safe</em>. At least he was with Cas, and he was fine. <em>They</em> were fine.</p><p> </p><p>Until they weren’t.</p><p> </p><p>Until Cas died for loving him. Until Cas confessed to loving him in secrecy for years.</p><p>Until Cas wasn’t around anymore and Dean couldn’t keep on being fine.</p><p>Because <em>being fine</em> wasn’t possible anymore. Survival no longer important. Finding safety and happiness in <em>just being</em> no longer an option either.</p><p>The only option left was to not <em>be</em> at all anymore.</p><p> </p><p>And so he died.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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